My thought on Grief.

Day 3 of 7: Coldplay - Fix you

Last night I was at 121 Selah’s Finding Home experience, and genuinely, it was a healing experience that I fear I may not have the right words to describe. I genuinely didn’t know all their songs, but they had a few songs that I knew and would pay to hear live, so I went, but even to the songs that I didn’t know, every single one was soothing, it was encouragement, it was a hug, it was an embrace, and it was healing to the heart.

We reached a point where they they were singing for all the people we have lost, and well you can imagine the tears………I cried, I wailed, and in that moment, I started to think of people I have lost;

I thought of Mama Mafoluku. I started seeing pictures of her when she was still healthy and strong, and then the ones of when she got sick, then when she lost her sight, then when she couldn’t walk or do anything anymore and when I saw her in the casket at the wake.

I thought of Grandpa, who would call me “aunty mi”; he always said I looked like one of his aunties. I remembered the many times grandpa would call me to fan him with “Abebe”, which means a hand fan. I know if grandpa were still alive, these tiny hand fans would be his best friend 😂. The truth is, I grumbled all the time; it felt like a chore, but what I would do to fan him and buy him these mini fans. I remember him saying he missed his wife and wondered why she had to die before him, and I remember just thinking perhaps he lost all hope because of his wife that he had lost, that was grandpa dealing with grief, and unfortunately he passed also, and I will never forget washing clothes outside and coming inside and they’re telling me grandpa is gone, “to where?” To be with the lord😭

I thought of my dog “happy” who died a very horrible death, actually; another dog killed her😭. Happy was always happy, there’s this joy she just always had unexplainable, I remembered Benji also, and then I remembered peace, all dogs by the way😂😭. Peace, peace was a wonder, I can’t explain it. She was strong, brave, and she never barked unnecessarily, like you know how dogs just start barking sometimes for no reason. Never peace! For them, I don’t even know where animals go after death.

But I didn’t just think about the people and my dogs that I have lost to death, I thought about people I have lost contact with that were a major part of my life, and because I know they’re still alive, I would not want to write their names.

I thought of my aunty that grew up with us and even though we were not related by blood she loved me soo much, we would sleep on the same bed, when I was sick she would bathe me, take me to school, do market runs, and one day she left and she never returned, I tried to reconnect multiple times even on Facebook but the bond is genuinely not what it used to be and that broke me!

I thought about my best friend from primary school till my 100 level in uni. I thought about all our talks and arguments, and I remembered how we would go to each other’s places and go out together. I remembered our adventures, and then I also remembered when the distance started, and it grew and grew until she was too far and out of reach. To be fair, I played a major role in it, and while thinking about it, I blamed myself.

For our loved ones who die, there’s this consolation at least for us as Christian’s that they’re in a better place…………as we often say, “they’ve gone to be with the Lord.”

When I lost my grandparents, I remember thinking to myself, they were sick, they were in pain, the suffering had become too much. At least now they won’t suffer again, and they are in a much better place.

But it broke my heart that I had not found a consolation for relationships lost, that sometimes, even when you try to mend it, it’s just not what it used to be; not as effortless, not as easy, not as constant. Though you’re in touch with them; maybe you follow them on Instagram or you still view their status or something, what would that grief be called and what would be the consolation.

My friends, I genuinely do not know. That is what broke me the most yesterday.

I think, like many things in life, grief is a broad subject matter, and we sometimes think it’s only applicable to people who have lost someone to death, but it applies to lost relationships, friendships, and bonds to distance or any other thing.

Writing this alone, I have cried. I’ll see you tomorrow, my friends, and as the Catholics say

May the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.